Are you thinking its time to “spice up my sex life in my marriage!” You’re not alone in this. Many of you reading this are nodding yes. You are ready for something fun and different that gets you both spinning. Are you feeling pretty done with vanilla sex? Are you ready for some rocky road?
There is something about the time passing in a marriage (and all the stuff in between) that is a big downer for your sex life! You remember the days when it was just better. Maybe you were less tired. Or your partner was into it more… or into you more… You long for that time when you could get lost in sex or one another. So many things can get in the way over time in a marriage. Kids are a big one. They take up quite a bit of energy, no? Maybe it’s been so infrequent or nonexistent that it’s hard to be with one another intimately again. Or maybe you are parents of young children and need to reignite that spark!
The resentment, conflict, and not understanding one another has had a huge impact on your sex life. You are ready for a shift but you just don’t know where to start. The reality is that this is a problem that many face in their marriage.
Maybe your sex life in your marriage looks like this:
You and your husband reach the end of the night and all the kids are in bed. Your typical routine of getting comfy on the couch browsing through your phones. You exchange a few words to one another. You take a look at him and you think to yourself “man its been a while since we had good sex. But I don’t know if I actually feel like it. I know he wants to.” You have the usual complaints he makes in your head. You hear “we never have sex anymore.”
You decide to initiate and you know he’s into it. Getting going with a serious make out session and get into it. But you are in the same old boat where your mind drifts and you just want to “get it over with!” And it ends up being a 5 min sex session. Yeah, it was checked off the list, but really, was it any good? For you? For him? Did you get closer to him? Was she feeling connected to you?
This is a scenario that happens to many couples in a marriage. You are left with feeling a bit burned out on the whole thing. And you know you want more. You know he or she isn’t really satisfied either. You’ve always had different sexual desires but you have a burning desire deep down to have some GOOD SEX. You want to make your partner truly get into it. The reality is that there are many things that can be done to spice up your sex life in your marriage.
So let’s get into it: You say “I’m read to spice up my sex life in my marriage!” Let’s talk how
How to One: Set up your intention before.
Setting up an intention to have some good spiced up sex from the getgo is needed. The reality is we get pretty used to the ways we go about our sex lives. Things become routine. But if you know that you want a spiced up sex life in your marriage you can set this up as an intention. Talk to yourself. Remind yourself what you want.
Try to move past all that stuff in your head. Many times there are these check marks that need to be done before we can spice it up. Like I need to resolve this…. Or I need to feel this from him… Or she’s just gonna not be into it. So we go with the same old thing. Try to set yourself up for success by having an intention that you are wanting and needing to have some good sex. Set up that intention internally and share it with your partner.
The reality is that in most couples there is a HIGH(ER) DESIRE and a LOW(ER) DESIRE partner. You know which one you are…
The high desire partner is much more game for it all. But you also get stuck in your ways since it’s what you know. And maybe you tell yourself that ANY SEX is better than no sex. But you are setting yourself up for that vanilla sex. There is no rocky road ice cream when you are walking into a vanilla ice cream shop. Okay, maybe not the best analogy.. But you get what I’m saying. 🙂
For the low desire partner, you know you want things to get better. I have a feeling that deep down you want some good rocking sex. But you’ve just gotten stuck in your head. If you lost your sexual desire. Then you are likely to benefit from some solo masturbation. Allow yourself to feel what it’s like to be a sexual being yet again. But it does take intention. And some work. Work maybe doesn’t sound sexy. But it will get there if it is your INTENTION to get there.
In sex therapy and marriage counseling in Simi Valley, Ca I work with my clients on truly setting up this intention. The focus for the low desire and high desire partners are different but it’s all along the same vein. We’ve got to set up an intention for change. Because doing the same old thing with your partner and your sex life isn’t working.
Spice up my sex life in my marriage→ How to Two: Communicate what you need and hear what your partner needs too.
Nothing is going to change without clear communication. Communication usually needs to start with asking yourself some questions. What do I want? How does spiced up sex look like for me? What do I need to work through to get there? Can I fully let go? What do I need? Visualize this for yourself first and foremost. Work through your stuff so when you share it’s clear. Also get ready to calm down any reactivity that comes up for you with your partner’s response.
When you communicate with your partner try to get into the details of what you want. What do you like? Don’t be afraid to be real. This may feel different. But if you want to spice up your sex life in your marriage than get ready for going about things diffrently! Next up truly hear what your partner has to say. Even if your partner’s reaction isn’t the best. Or there is some anger or resentment behind it. Hear them truly and then share again what you need. Calm down all that stuff that comes up for you. That frustration. Or anger. Or resentment. Whatever it is.
In marriage counseling in Simi Valley, Ca we work with couples on communicating clearly and working through the roadblocks you have to truly get there. Our team of therapists and psychologists truly understand the value of communicating about sex. And making sex a vital part of your marriage and avoiding a sexless marriage.
Spice up my sex life in my marriage→ How to Three: Ask about their sexual fantasies. Share yours.
What’s your sexual fantasy? Have you given this some thought? If not, get thinking! What are some of those fantasies that you close off in your mind. Maybe you shut it down by telling yourself “she won’t be into it anyways” or “that sounds like a ton of work to get into it.” Whatever thoughts you have that typically shut it down, try to not let it deter you, and let your fantasy thoughts go wild in your mind.
When you share your sexual fantasies with your partner you are sharing what will excite you. You are working through the thoughts of “it won’t happen” or anything else coming up in your mind. The high desire and low desire person will have different thoughts come up when sharing and thinking through this.
I work with couples on sharing those sexual fantasies and working through the mental stuckness that comes along with it. Once you truly allow in more exciting different sex that aligns more to what you want you don’t really want to go back.
Spice up my sex life in my marriage→ How to Four: Get out of that comfort zone!
Okay, here it is. If vanilla sex is what is in your comfort zone. You’ve got to get out of that comfort and try NEW AND DIFFERENT. It’s only through challenging yourself to get out of that comfort zone will you be able to have that good spiced up sex you are wanting in your marriage. So going along with the first point, set up an intention to go out of your comfort zone in your sex life with your partner.
When you seek help with Simi Psychological Group for sex therapy you are setting yourself up to get out of that comfort zone. We will be talking about things in a different way since continuing to communicate and thinking of things in the same way wasn’t working.. A big take away point from this article.
All in all, there is a lot you for those of you saying “I’m ready to spice up my sex life in my marriage.” Setting up your intention, communicating what you need, exploring one another’s sexual fantasies and getting out of your comfort zone are some big ones! Reaching out for help to make your marriage what you want it to be can be a huge step in the direction to making that happen.
If you enjoyed this blog post, share it with a friend! And check out our other couples and relationship blogs related to this topic: 5 Reasons why your marriage is sexless, why your marriage should be prioritized over your kids, 5 Tips to reignite the spark as parents of young children, and more!
In couples therapy, I make sure to not allow what typically happens in your day to day lives happen in the room. Together we will make sure that different things happen. You will open up in different ways. Hear one another in new ways. I will work with you and your partner on going deeper in your lives to examine what is underneath all the fighting, disconnection, lack of intimacy, and work towards true healing.