Last Updated on 2 months ago by Donna Novak, Psy.D.
A sexless marriage is more common than most couples realize, and if you’re in one, you already know how quietly painful it can be. A breakdown in real conversation, a loss of intimacy, lingering resentment, giving up on trying, and never setting clear expectations all commonly drive a sexless marriage. Understanding what’s driving it is the first step toward changing it.
Sometimes it creeps up slowly. Weeks turn into months. Months turn into a year. One day, you realize how long it’s really been. Maybe it feels pointless to initiate because you know you’ll get turned down. Or when your partner initiates, you just don’t have it in you to try. It’s been so long that you’re nervous to even see how it goes.
A big part of you is ready for a change. Maybe you aren’t sure if you can still make that change with your partner. But you’re ready for some sexual excitement again. You’re ready to have sex again.
What Does a Sexless Marriage Look Like?
Many marriages reach a point where they feel drained and somewhat helpless. Maybe it’s been a month, six months, a year, or even longer. It takes courage to keep initiating when you’re tired of rejection, and carrying the weight of a disconnected marriage is exhausting. You know something has to change… you’re just not sure where to start.
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not dealing with something rare or shameful. Many couples quietly go through a sexless marriage, and the reasons behind it usually run deeper than they appear on the surface.
Seeing this issue with so many of my clients as a marriage counselor in Simi Valley, I’d like to dive into what’s most commonly driving it.
“A sexless marriage is rarely just about sex. It’s almost always about the emotional distance that’s been quietly growing underneath. When couples start addressing what’s really there, intimacy tends to follow.” — Dr. Donna Novak, Founder of Simi Psychological Group
What Causes a Sexless Marriage? 5 Reasons Worth Looking At
1. It’s Been So Long Since You Had a Real Conversation
Yes, a real conversation. Not a conversation about who’s picking up the kids. Or what to make for dinner. Or where your shirt is in the closet. A REAL conversation, one where you actually get to know one another. Where you share feelings and insights. Where you connect.
A real conversation requires some vulnerability, especially when you’re out of practice. What personal thoughts, struggles, insecurities, or worries could you share with your spouse? Maybe you share these things with friends and family, but you stay closed off with your partner. Try being more vulnerable and having a real conversation. This type of communication builds intimacy and connection.
Learning to have these kinds of conversations again is often where real change starts, and it’s something we work through with couples often.
Your Marriage Doesn’t Have to Stay This Way
Our marriage counselors are here to help you reconnect and find your way back to each other.
2. Intimacy Is Out the Window
If you’d define your marriage as sexless, there’s a good chance intimacy has taken a hit too. It’s tough to feel intimate without the sexual component, and the reverse is just as true. Some couples don’t experience it this way, but most do. So ask yourself: what does intimacy look like for you? And for your partner?
Sex is a big component of intimacy, but there’s much more to it.
Intimacy shows up in many ways. When was the last time you held your wife’s hand or complimented her? When did you last kiss your husband, a real kiss, not a quick peck? When did you last share something personal with your partner, or really listen when they talked about something they’re going through? These moments all build intimacy.
Rebuilding intimacy isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about not letting these small moments become an afterthought and learning how to let those walls down again.
3. There Is Resentment That Is Lingering
Resentment often piles up until you don’t even know where to start digging it out. It’s hard to want intimacy when you’re carrying that much anger or resentment.
Maybe it’s something said in the heat of the moment. Maybe it’s anger about feeling more alone in parenting than you expected, or resentment over your sex life. Maybe it’s an affair you can’t recover from.
If an emotional affair is part of what’s created this distance, our blog “My Husband Had an Emotional Affair and I Can’t Get Over It” may speak to where you are right now.
Holding onto resentment will stop you from moving forward, and ultimately from living the life you want. It may be time to consider what needs to happen for you to move forward.
Working through resentment isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about understanding how it’s been quietly shaping your happiness, your ability to forgive, and your intimacy, so it stops running the show.
4. You Stopped Trying
At some point you may have put your hands up and said “screw it, I’m done.” So many conflicts, so many rejections, so much loneliness. It’s easier to just stop trying.
But this mentality hurts you, and it hurts your partner too. If you value being happy in your marriage, giving up takes you further from that. If you value your sex life, giving up takes you further from that too.
If part of you is ready to try again, and you genuinely want to reignite something real between you and your partner, our blog “I’m Ready to Spice Up My Sex Life in My Marriage” is a good place to start. Trying again means showing up consistently as the partner you actually want to be, not just when it’s convenient.
You can also check out the books Intimacy & Desire: Awaken The Passion In Your Relationship and Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. You won’t regret it!
5. You Aren’t Setting Up the Expectations and Boundaries for What You Want and Need
What do you want your sex life actually to look like? Not what you’re willing to settle for, but your real vision. Asking yourself this question creates space to communicate your expectations and set boundaries around what you need. Your partner can do the same. Setting these boundaries and expectations helps you both build a more fulfilling and sexual relationship.
People who struggle to set boundaries in one area of life often struggle with it elsewhere too. Setting boundaries in your marriage means building the courage to believe in yourself enough to express them to your partner.
If working through any of this with support feels right for you, marriage counseling in Simi Valley can help you and your partner navigate these conversations together.
There are many reasons for a sexless marriage. Things become too comfortable for too long. It’s been a long time since you had a real conversation. Intimacy went out the window. Resentment built up quietly. And neither of you set clear expectations and boundaries for what you actually want and need. Understanding these reasons means you already have something to work with.
You have the ability to change your marriage and your sex life. It requires taking a leap into the uncomfortable, and we’d love to support you through that. Contact us today or call (805) 842-1994 to schedule a consultation.
Dr. Novak is the group practice owner and licensed psychologist at Simi Psychological Group a therapy practice in Simi Valley, California. Simi Psychological Group offers a variety of services including trauma therapy, couples therapy, anxiety therapy, teen therapy, and more. Simi Psychological Group emphasizes the importance of creating real change by making sure to get to the root of your struggles.
