Your marriage is sexless. You havent had sex in what seems like forever. Maybe it’s been a month, 6 months, a year, or even many years. After all, a sexless marriage is defined differently depending on the person. Sometimes you are in shock as to how long it’s really been. You know it shouldn’t be this way but you and your partner just are in this marriage and sex rut. Maybe it’s feeling pretty pointless to initiate because you know you are going to get turned down. Or when your partner initiates you just don’t have it in you to try. It’s been so long that you are nervous to even see how it goes.
The truth is that many marriages are sexless. You are not alone in this. But you ask yourself why is my marriage sexless? Deep down you have some answers that jump out at you. But at the same time, you do question how it got to this point. A big part of you is ready for a change. Maybe you aren’t sure if that change can be with your partner anymore. But you are ready for some sexual excitement again. You are ready to have sex again.
Maybe your sexless marriage looks like this:
Your wife comes home from a day with schlepping the kids around. You barely say two words to one another. You know that when you do talk to one another too much there is some type of conflict. Maybe it just feels like when she talks to you it’s because you are doing something wrong. So you might as well not try to talk.
You know something has got to change. Lately you are feeling so burned out on this marriage that you are thinking if it’s even right for you anymore. But you would love for it to get better. And to have sex with your partner again. You maybe have those thoughts in the back of your head to have sex with someone else. Someone that wants you. That is attracted to you. Because she doesn’t seem to want you. Part of you feels guilty for this but the other part is saying “I can’t be in a sexless marriage forever.”
It takes courage at this point to initiate since you are just freaking done with getting rejected. You are still attracted to your partner. But it’s been so long you have thoughts of how it’s even going to go if you have sex. WIll it be super awkward? You ask yourself.
Many marriages get to this point where they are feeling drained and somewhat helpless. You are wanting a change. In fact you are NEEDING a change. Whether it’s in your marriage or elsewhere but you don’t know how long you can do this. Maybe you are sure it’s not elsewhere. That you know that you want the change to be with your partner, but it needs to happen ASAP. Because you are just done with a sexless marriage.
My marriage is sexless. Why? Let’s take a closer look!
Reason One: It’s been so long since you had a real conversation.
Yes, a real conversation. Not a conversation about who is picking up the kids. Or what to make for dinner. Or where your shirt is in the closet. But a REAL conversation where you actually get to know one another. Or share some feelings. Insights. Ultimately where you connect.
The truth is that a real conversation requires some vulnerability. Especially when you are out of practice. What is something personal (internal thoughts, struggles, insecurities, worries) that you can share with your spouse? Is there something that you are keeping inside that could come out? Maybe you share it with your friends and family but aren’t open with your partner. Think about being more vulnerable and having a real conversation. This type of communication leads to intimacy and connection.
In sex therapy and marriage counseling at Simi Psychological Group we work with couples on having real conversations. Getting out of just the chit chat and connecting at a deeper level. We help couples get to know each other again.
Reason Two: Intimacy is out the window.
I’m going to venture and take a guess that if you define your marriage as sexless then intimacy is pretty limited too. It’s pretty tough to feel intimate without the sexual component and vice versa when you are in a marriage. Some couples do feel this however. But for the majority of couples this isn’t the case. So a question to ask yourself is “what does intimacy look like for you? And “for your partner?” Sex is a big component of intimacy but there is much more…
Intimacy can be defined in many ways. And examples of this are spread and varied. Think about these questions… When was the last time you held your wife’s hand? Gave her a compliment? When was the last time you kissed your husband (come on, a real kiss. None of those peck kisses..)? How about sharing something personal with your partner? When is the last time you really heard what your partner has to say? You asked about something they are going through? All of these are examples that lead to more intimacy.
In marriage counseling in Simi Valley, Ca we work with couples on becoming intimate again. Not allowing this to be a back thought but a true part of the marriage. We help you get those walls down in the moment and allow for connection and intimacy.
Reason Three: There is resentment that is lingering.
Oftentimes, there is so much that has been piled up that you don’t even know where to start to dig. It’s really hard for many of us to want to be intimate when there is so much anger or resentment that we carry.
Whether it’s things that were said to one another in the heat of the moment. Anger about feeling more alone in parenting than you had envisioned. Or lack of sex resentments you carry. Possibly an affair that you can’t recover from. Resentment that he held really strong will stop you moving forward in your life. Ultimately it will stop you from LIVING your life. So it may be time to think about what needs to happen for me to move forward and live?
In couples therapy in Simi Valley and online therapy in Los Angeles we work with couples on moving past resentments. We help them see how the resentments are impacting their happiness, self forgiveness and intimacy.
Reason Four: You stopped trying.
There is a good chance that you just put your hands up in despair and maybe helplessness and said “screw it. I’m done.” When there are so many conflicts. So many rejections. Such loneliness. Many of us revert to just stopping and giving up. It feels easier.
The truth is that you are really hurting yourself with this mentality however. You are hurting your partner too. But you first and foremost. If your value is “I want to be someone who is happy in my marriage” then giving up will take you far from there. If you value your sex life in your marriage then this will take you far from that too.
In sex therapy at Simi Psychological Group, we work with couples on trying again. Trying to be the partner that they want to be. To be the person they want to be. To value themselves enough to try again. And try in a different way. In a way that they are willing to live consistently.
Reason Five: You aren’t setting up the expectations and boundaries for what you want and need.
What is that you want your sex life to look like? Not what you are willing to settle for. But what does the actual vision look like? Asking yourself these questions will help you have that vision to work towards. Also, this will allow the space to actually communicate the expectations you have. Set the boundaries for what you need. Your partner will likely do the same. But setting these boundaries and expectations will help you two have a more fulfilling and sexual relationship.
Many times people who struggle to set boundaries in one area of their lives struggle in other areas as well. In couples therapy we work with couples on setting the boundaries they want in their marriage and seeing the connection to other parts of their lives as well. We help them develop the internal courage to believe in themselves enough to have those boundaries and express them with their partner.
Ultimately there are many reasons for a sexless marriage. Things become too comfortable for too long. It’s been a long time since you had a real conversation. Intimacy went out the window in your marriage. You have lingering resentment. And you aren’t setting up the expectations and boundaries for what you want and need. These are some of the why’s to a sexless marriage. You have the ability to make change in your marriage and sex life. It definitely requires taking a leap into the uncomfortable however. And we’re here to help.
About the author
I specialize in working with anxiety and in helping adolescents and their families, adults, and couples better their relationships and find direction. Rather than shy away from the tough stuff in life, I prefer to face it head-on, together. I believe that challenges are part of being human and that everyone has the potential to become their own life’s navigator. So they never have to feel out of control or at the mercy of their circumstances. Learn more