Infidelity, in whatever form, is a painful and complex event that is often seen as one of the hardest things in a relationship. You may feel betrayed or have thoughts that your relationship never meant anything at all. Discovering infidelity may make you feel undesirable, or that there must be something wrong with you that caused this to happen. Coping with the aftermath of betrayal is not an easy task, but with commitment, open communication, and thoughtful strategies, marriages can survive and even emerge as a stronger union after infidelity. If you are looking for marriage counseling Simi Valley, we are here to support you.
Understanding Infidelity
Infidelity can take many shapes and is not limited to sexual encounters. At its core, infidelity is a breach of trust, a violation of the agreed-upon exclusivity shared in a marriage or romantic relationship. So yes, physical affairs are often seen as the prime example of dealing with infidelity, but that exclusivity’s trust can be broken in a myriad of ways.
Types of Infidelity
There could be an emotional affair, excessive flirtation, inappropriate interactions through social media, engaging the services of a sex worker, or even financial infidelity, where one partner intentionally hides their spending habits from the other. What’s important to understand is that whatever form infidelity takes, it can have a profound impact on the health and stability of a relationship.
What Causes Infidelity?
The causes of infidelity are also just as varied. For some, there are unmet needs in the relationship. A partner may need some level of validation that they are not getting in the relationship, and so they look for it elsewhere. For others, personal insecurities can drive them to stray. Their own low sense of self-worth, self-esteem, inability to challenge negative thoughts, or feelings of inadequacy may drive them to seek affirmation from people outside the relationship.
The causes of infidelity are seemingly innumerable, and these reasons are not meant to excuse behavior, but rather to explain why the infidelity happened in the first place. If we can identify and address the cause of the betrayal, we can look towards preventing the betrayal from repeating itself.
Recovering From Infidelity
If infidelity has entered your marriage or relationship, it’s easy to feel lost as to what to do next. For the one who was betrayed, it’s common to feel powerless in the relationship. You may even begin to doubt if you ever knew this person at all. For the one who strayed, you may be full of remorse, or even impatient with the pace of recovery. If both parties in the relationship are serious about repairing the rift caused by infidelity, there are steps you can take to make things work again. Our team of therapists in Simi Valley are qualified to support you in your journey whether you want support alone or with your partner.
8 Tips to Help Your Marriage Survive Infidelity
Let’s explore eight tips to help your marriage survive infidelity.
1) Acknowledge the Situation
First things first, you are both going to need to face the reality of the situation together. It is necessary that both partners acknowledge that the infidelity occurred, as well as validating the feelings that accompany it to support your partner emotionally. Avoiding, suppressing, or even denying the severity of the infidelity can stall the healing process. If both parties can create a safe and secure space where thoughts, feelings, and worries can be expressed, you will be able to initiate accountability and healing.
2) Seek Professional Assistance
Another tip is to look for help from a professional. Infidelity unearths a lot of uncomfortable and complex feelings; handling those feelings alone can be difficult. Seeking the guidance of a professional therapist can provide a neutral, supporting space for both partners to explore their feelings. A therapist can also help the couple examine the root causes of the infidelity, and arm the couple with tools they need to effectively communicate and heal. The skilled and empathetic Simi Valley marriage counselors here at Simi Psychological Group are masterfully trained in helping couples navigate the difficult waters of the aftermath of infidelity. Just remember that there is no shame in seeking help.
3) Understand Healing Takes Time
You both need to realize that this is not going to be fixed overnight. Infidelity at its heart is a breach of trust. Restoring that trust is a gradual, sometimes slow process that requires commitment, transparency, and consistent effort from both partners. Each partner will have different roles depending on who cheated. The straying partner must be willing to take accountability for their actions, express remorse for the impact their behavior caused, and show that they are willing to change. The partner who was cheated on needs to accept the possibility that their partner can change, learn how to forgive a loved one and acknowledge that that change will happen slowly.
4) Open Up Communication
Setting up an open dialogue is crucial. If you are going to get to the bottom of why the infidelity occurred, factors that contributed to it, and fears either of you may have moving forward, you will need to be able to talk to one another in an open and honest manner. Both partners need to be able to express their needs, concerns, and expectations in a safe space where they will both be free from judgment. Have regular and consistent check-ins with one another. Practice methods to better communicate with your partner. Have frank conversations about where each of you think the relationship is at. While this can sound frightening and uncomfortable, it can lead to a deeper and more secure connection.
5) Reach Out Emotionally
Make it a point to focus on emotional intimacy. This is everything involved when we say you feel “close” to our partner. This means being empathetic, understanding each other’s needs, and positioning yourselves to show up and be a part of your partners’ lives. To help facilitate emotional intimacy, learn how to be emotionally vulnerable, and find things to do that can promote that connection. Find some hobbies you can share, set aside time for deeper and more meaningful conversations, and go on a walk together to a place you both find beautiful. Even couples therapy can create the space for the two of you to grow closer.
6) Establish Boundaries
You’re also going to need to establish some clearly defined boundaries. Trust has been broken, and a partner is left feeling hurt and powerless. Setting down boundaries and expectations is a key piece to the roadmap to rebuilding trust in a relationship and avoiding further heartache. Both partners should engage in setting these boundaries. This may include guidelines on communication with others, suspending the use of social media, transparency on a partner’s whereabouts, or honesty about spending habits. These kinds of boundaries can provide stability to an otherwise unstable relationship.
7) Engage in Self-Reflection
Whether you are the one who strayed or the one who was betrayed, you’re going to want to take a moment to look inward. Infidelity is often the result of underlying issues within the self that have been left unresolved. Maybe there are ways that you feel you come up short in the marriage, or perhaps there are unmet needs that you’ve never felt comfortable expressing. Gaining self-awareness can greatly contribute to personal growth and needed change. This may come through journaling or meditation, but it could also come from seeking help in individual therapy. If you feel like you need to explore inwards and know yourself a bit better, call Simi Psychological Group for an appointment.
8) Acknowledge Progress
Lastly, it’s important to acknowledge progress. Recovering from infidelity, just like any period of personal growth, is never a linear process. Just as there is progress, there will be setbacks. But it’s important to celebrate even the small victories in this process. It could be noticing that you feel closer to your partner, that you feel the sincerity of an apology, or that you notice that your communication has been feeling more honest and secure. Noticing and communicating these moments can reinforce the commitment the both of you are trying to reach. Celebrating the small achievements, even the minor ones, can help keep the momentum of healing going. Remembering to incorporate self care during times of infidelity is necessary.
Building Your Relationship Back Up
Bouncing back from infidelity is a difficult, fraught, and emotionally exhaustive process. With dedication, open communication, transparency, and a willingness to change, many couples can find an even stronger bond than before the infidelity occurred. The trek towards recovering from infidelity requires time, patience, and a true commitment from each partner. Just as each relationship is unique, the path towards healing is itself just as different from another’s. These tips are not instructions to recovery, but they can help illuminate the path to get there. If you are in need of more support recovering from a marital affair check out this blog as well.
Kintsugi
There is a style of Japanese pottery called Kintsugi, where chipped or broken pieces are put back together using a special technique. After the ceramic is re-fired in the kiln, the cracks are exposed in beautiful detail where they tell the story of its past injuries and repair. Just like every marriage, every piece of Kintsugi is unique. When a marriage breaks, it can be repaired, and when that repair happens, it adds to the story of the marriage. When the wounds of infidelity shatter your marriage, the repair can be meticulous and difficult. But the results can be even more beautiful than before.
Simi Psychological Group – Helping Your Marriage Heal and Grow
Whether your relationship is trying to recover from infidelity, or even if it is just in need of developing better tools for connection and communication, the trained, caring clinicians at Simi Psychological Group can aid you both in creating a lasting, loving relationship with marriage counseling Simi Valley.
Contact us today for more information on marriage counseling or a free consultation at (805) 842-1994.
Written by,
Josh Duke
Therapist at Simi Psychological Group.
At Simi Psychological Group, we are committed to supporting you and your family to get to the true root of your struggles and create real lasting change. Our dedicated team of licensed psychologists, therapists, and counselors are passionate about supporting our community in living the lives they want and deserve. We offer an array of services including anxiety therapy, trauma therapy, marriage counseling, Christian and spiritual counseling, child and teen therapy, and more. Our holistic approach supports us in seeing the whole picture in a warm, supportive environment, empowering individuals and families to achieve emotional well-being.
