How Can I Better Communicate With My Partner?

How can I better communicate with my partner? A question many of us ask ourselves. Sometimes, you don’t feel like you’re being heard. The conversations you have with your partner seem to go nowhere but down. You both are struggling to understand the other person’s point of view, let alone listen to them. There is an unhealthy power struggle going on where one of you feels the need to always be right. It could even be over the smallest thing, but it starts a rage of an argument. 

You are at crossroads in your relationship. You want to be able to work through things with your partner, but it seems like everything you say goes in one ear and out the other. Ultimately, you end up feeling frustrated because you say the same thing over and over, or are told the same thing over and over, and nothing happens. You remain in the same place, like a sad, broken down carousel. 

It’s like a broken record at this point. How much longer can you repeat yourself? How much longer will you allow for these immature conversation dynamics to continue? All you want is to show your partner that you love them and want to work things out. Maybe, you, reader, are the one who needs to learn how to communicate better with your partner. Regardless, there are always two sides to each story, and it takes two to tango. It’s time for both of you to put in the work and effort to communicate better if you want to create change in your relationship. 

couple sitting together near the coast

Perhaps it plays out for you like this..

You and your partner can’t seem to agree on anything these days. Both of you are constantly bickering and pointing out each other’s flaws. You are sick and tired of their behaviors, and want a change. This relationship meant a lot to you in the beginning, but now you are skeptical if you still want to be a part of it. You love and care for them a lot, but struggle to communicate effectively and efficiently. Sometimes, it feels like you can’t make any progress. You’re stuck in this loop of constant fighting and you’re so tired of it, you just want it to stop. You want to be happy again. 

The truth is, no relationship is perfect. There will always be disagreements, whether minor or big. You are in a relationship to work together, as a team. When a problem arises, you two have the ability to tackle it together. In couples counseling at Simi Psychological Group, our therapists are equipped with the skillset to provide you the communication tools you need. 

couple wearing same color holding hands

How Can I Better Communicate With My Partner? Listen to each other

Listen to your partner – like, really listen to them. They are upset for a reason. Hear their concerns out as you would want your concerns heard out. Maybe they had a toxic relationship in their past that left them feeling anxious, insecure, and paranoid. Even though they have their own work to do regarding that, you can help them by listening. 

Consider implementing clear boundaries within the relationship. These boundaries will serve to protect your emotional well being. By establishing boundaries, the two of you can feel comfortable in talking with one another about tough subjects. An example of a clear boundary could be that you don’t want to bring up any past relationships when they are not relevant and just seem to start fights. Bringing up an ex in a manner where one says, “Oh, well my ex partner didn’t do this!” can be inappropriate and offensive, which can result in damaging the conversation. By creating the boundary that these statements are not to be brought up, you are able to focus on what you both want to focus on. If you feel someone is not truly listening to you, stand your ground to be heard. 

How Can I Better Communicate With My Partner? Take turns speaking using “I” statements

Conversations where you are being constantly interrupted or talked over are not good conversations. Communicate using “I” statements, such as “I am feeling very insecure right now” or “I am feeling very frustrated right now”. This is much more effective than projecting your emotions onto your partner with no indication of how you’re feeling. This can look like, “Can’t you see it in my face how I’m feeling right now?” or “How can you not tell I’m upset right now?”. By engaging in your frustration, you are making your partner more likely to not truly listen to you. 

Married couple in need of therapy in Simi Valley, Ca

Practice speaking in a calm, inside voice. If you know exactly why you are upset, say it in such a way that you leave it open to dialogue. Communicate with your partner that you are “feeling frustrated because I feel like you don’t want to spend time with my parents”. Be prepared for their answer, whether good or bad. They may respond with, “I understand that you feel frustrated because of that. I don’t want to spend time with your parents because of personal differences”. 

Online therapy in Ventura County and Los Angeles county may be a good resource to begin incorporating these communication rules into your relationship. 

couple holding hands while walking along the beach

Take a break if needed

Sometimes, the topic can get intense. It can feel overwhelming and overbearing, where you would therefore need a break. Try implementing the rule that if someone wants to take a break, then you have five minutes to separate yourselves to take time to breathe, calm down, and think reasonably. This rule is not to be used as an excuse to avoid any conversation, just to give space in order to feel less overwhelmed. When you are both in a clear headspace, return and begin where you left off. 

By respecting break times, it’s easier to pick back up where you left off. It can be difficult to acknowledge that the other one needs a break if you feel unheard, but they are just taking in all the information to come up with an appropriate response. 

Our team of therapists and psychologists offer marriage counseling in Simi Valley, Ca to help you and your partner take the steps needed so that you are taking care of one another and yourselves individually. 

couple holding arms

How Can I Better Communicate With My Partner? Do not belittle each other and have respect for each other

Even though conversations can be frustrating, especially when we feel like we’re being attacked, it is important to not belittle each other. You are together for a reason, and both of you deserve respect. You came into this relationship with respect for each other, and it is important to remember that. If there is no respect for each other, then maybe this relationship is not worth fighting for. You can display respect by listening thoughtfully, validating their emotions, and responding appropriately. 

Sometimes, anger can pull a cloth over our eyes and shield us from remembering who we truly are and who we truly love. You can take a break to step away to reflect on how you truly feel for this person. You can decide whether you believe you can fix things and fight for it, or decide that it may be too unhealthy for you. 

Consider trying out couples counseling in Simi Valley when things feel irreconcilable and you need support with your relationship. 

Now Offering Online Therapy in Los Angeles and Online Counseling Ventura County 

At our Simi Valley therapy practice we offer Child therapy and family counseling, Teen therapy, Anxiety Treatment, Depression Therapy, Marriage Counseling, and Neuropsychological Testing