I’m in a sexless marriage! And ready for a change…

“Why is my marriage sexless?” you ask yourself. There can be many reasons for a sexless marriage. Maybe it’s a few kids later. Or you’ve been through some tough times and you haven’t come out from the other end. Possibly your partner isn’t interested in anything romantic with you and you are just lost with what to do next. 

How did it get this bad? It’s pretty frustrating being in a marriage where you feel like roommates. This eventually leads to resentment and anger inside that can feel like a vicious cycle. You likely get caught up in some unnecessary fights. Or maybe you are pretty withdrawn from one another. Dealing with the day to day of life but nothing really feels substantial. 

A sexless marriage can be defined differently to different people. Some people consider their marriage to be sexless and they still have sex maybe once a month or every other week. Whereas others haven’t had sex in their marraige for months or even years. When a marriage is sexless then intimacy is most likely pretty limited too. Intimacy like having good real conversations, holding hands, being an emotional support for one another. You wind up in a place where you feel lonely and ultimately sad about where things ended up. You started your marriage with so much more hope and connection. 

two people in lawn chairs sitting in front of a sunset

Let’s look at some possible reasons why your marriage is sexless

Why is my sexless marriage- Reason One: You stopped talking to one another 

Are you still talking to your partner? Like really talking to them. Sharing. Opening up. Or do you mainly talk “at them” ? Does your communication look like checklists of things that need to get done? Is the focus on what is wrong rather than what’s going well? Do you find reasons as to why your partner is doing something wrong? If you are being honest with yourself, you are likely saying yes to some of these. The reality is that for intimacy and connection we need to see the good. And be vulnerable and actually talk to the people we love. 

Maybe it’s been so long since you had a good conversation with one another that you wouldn’t even know where to start.

It may feel uncomfortable or even scary to have a conversation that involves vulnerability at this point. The reality is that it’s time to go about things differently if you are wanting something to change. 

In Sex Therapy in Simi Valley, Ca we work with couples on being vulnerable with one another in ways that are different than you are currently doing. We help you get at the deeper stuff you are feeling and experiencing and sharing this with your partner. 

two people holding cups of black coffee at a blue round table

Why is my marriage sexless- Reason Two: You aren’t hearing one another 

Although you may hear the words your partner is saying you may not actually be hearing one another. Oftentimes we are already (maybe unconsciously) ready with our defense and don’t really hear what the person is saying to us. Getting stuck on the word they used instead of the actual meaning behind what they are trying to say will get you in a cycle of arguments and disconnection. 

The truth is to actually hear what your partner is saying you need to let your guards down. And this is a difficult thing to do. You have to make a conscious choice to slow down whatever is coming up for you and listen and hear. A big part of hearing what your partner is saying is asking yourself “what is underneath what he’s saying?” Or other why questions such as “why is he picking fights with me about….?” 

In couples therapy in Simi Valley, Ca or Online therapy in Los Angeles, we work with you and your partner on actually hearing what is behind the “content” of what is being said.

This requires vulnerability. We work with you on dropping your guards so you can open up to true intimacy with one another. 

Why is my sexless marriage- Reason Three: You stopped getting to know one another 

Do you ask your partner questions? Do you still try to get to know one another? You may be telling yourself, “we’ve been married for 15 years. I know everything.” This is most likely not the case. You may know most of the factual things about one another but I am sure there is still so much you can get to know. Stopping your curiosity about one another will lead to disconnection. 

Try asking questions of your partner again. Anything that you genuinely would like to know. Listen to what they have to say. This is going to feel different most likely. But it is only through doing different and uncomfortable things that you have an opportunity to make a change in your marriage. 

In marriage counseling near Thousand Oaks, Ca we work with you and your partner on becoming friends again. On getting to know each other on a deeper level and allowing yourself to go about things differently. 

Make sure to check out the books Intimacy & Desire: Awaken The Passion In Your Relationship & Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. You won’t regret it!  If you are ready to dive deep into your marriage check out Tony Robbin’s ultimate relationship program.

man and woman standing nex to eachother looking to the left

Why is my marriage sexless- Reason Four: You are holding grudges and resentment 

Does this sound familiar? Do you hold any grudges against your partner for something they did/said? Or many things? What do you do with all of these resentments? Where does it go? Holding on this likely leads you to not feel good and has a big impact on your marriage. 

It may be time to consider asking yourself how you can move past these resentments? What can you do to work through the anger? Can you see the underlying reasons behind why your partner did what he/she did? Trying to find meaning and allowing yourself to work through it will be a huge step for your own growth and in your marriage. 

In online therapy in Ventura County and online therapy in Los Angeles we work with couples and individuals on moving past the things that hold you down. 

Why is my sexless marriage- Reason Five: You stopped trying to have an active good sex life 

Did you give up on trying to have an active good sex life? Your marriage was in a rut and initiations were turned down for quite a bit then you may have given up on trying. Maybe you settled into this new reality where you two are much more roommates than anything else. Or you know that bringing anything up will lead to conversations and arguments that you don’t want to have. The reality is that if you don’t try for movement, no movement will happen. 

It may be time for you to sit with yourself and paint a vision for what you hope your sex and intimacy will look like in your marriage.

Like really create that vision. Be detailed about it. The next step would be to share this with your partner. At Simi Psychological Group we work with couples on exploring their vision for their sex life and sharing this with one another. 

There can be many reasons for the question of “why is my marriage sexless?” It can be a frustrating place to be in where you are feeling this level of stuckness in your marriage. Some reasons may be that you stopped talking to one another, hearing one another, getting to know one another, holding grudges or you stopped trying for an active sex life. Understanding the reasons why will help you identify where change can happen in your marriage. 

About the author, 

Donna Novak, Psy.D. 

Simi Valley Psychologist Dr. Donna Novak

I specialize in working with anxiety and in helping adolescents and their families, adults, and couples better their relationships and find direction. Rather than shy away from the tough stuff in life, I prefer to face it head-on, together. I believe that challenges are part of being human and that everyone has the potential to become their own life’s navigator. So they never have to feel out of control or at the mercy of their circumstances. Learn more

Therapy services offered at Simi Psychological Group 

Now Offering Online Therapy in Los Angeles and Online Counseling Ventura County 

At our therapy practice in Simi Valley, Ca we offer Child therapy and family counseling, Teen therapy, Anxiety Treatment, Depression Therapy, Marriage Counseling, and Neuropsychological Testing

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