What Not to Do When You’re Grieving: A Therapist’s Guide for Simi Valley Locals

Last Updated on 4 months ago by Donna Novak, Psy.D.

Grief has a way of showing up when we least expect it, and staying longer than we think it should. It doesn’t matter if you’re mourning the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or even a version of life you envisioned. Grief can feel isolating and unpredictable for anyone. 

As a grief counselor in Simi Valley, I’ve walked alongside many folks through their grief journeys. I’ve seen how important it is to know not just what helps, but also what to avoid while you’re working through grief.

Grief isn’t something you fix or put a band-aid over. It’s something you move through. But sometimes, in an attempt to “get over it” or “be strong,” people unintentionally take actions that hinder their healing. Before we get into those pitfalls, it helps to understand what grief actually looks like and why it rarely follows a straight line.

Understanding the Stages of Grief

Most of us have heard of the stages of grief, but understanding what they actually mean can change how you experience your own healing. The five stages include:

• Denial: A sense of shock or disbelief that helps you survive the initial wave of loss
• Anger: Frustration or resentment, sometimes directed at yourself, others, or the situation itself
• Bargaining: Getting caught in “what if” or “if only” thoughts, searching for a way to undo what happened
• Depression: A heavier, quieter stage where the full weight of the loss settles in
• Acceptance: Not necessarily feeling okay with the loss, but learning to live alongside it

These stages of grief aren’t meant to be a checklist or a straight path from one to the next. You might move through them in a different order, revisit a stage you thought you’d already worked through, or experience several at once. Grief stages are a framework for understanding your experience, not a formula you need to follow correctly. Knowing this can take some of the pressure off, because there’s no “right” way to grieve.

With that foundation in mind, let’s look at some common pitfalls that can unintentionally slow down your healing process.

What Not to Do When You’re Grieving

• Don’t rush the process; grief has no deadline.
• Avoid isolating yourself; connection with others is part of healing.
• Don’t numb your pain with distractions or substances.
• Avoid comparisons, because grief is not one-size-fits-all. Everyone experiences grief differently.
• Don’t expect linear progress; grief moves in waves and phases.
• Seek support through therapy if you need to. Grief counseling can help you process, cope, and move forward in ways that are healthy for you.

Let’s dive into this deeper.

1. Don’t Rush the Process

There’s no “right” timeline for grief. Society often makes us feel like we should bounce back quickly, but grief and healing don’t follow a schedule. Trying to move on too fast, whether through returning to work, suppressing your emotions, or pretending everything is fine, can backfire. It often leads to emotional numbness or burnout later on.

Instead, give yourself space to grieve at your own pace. Some days will feel harder than others, and that’s okay. Slowing down doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It means you’re honoring your process.

2. Avoid Isolating Yourself From Others

Grief has a way of making us feel like no one understands us. You may need quiet time, but prolonged isolation can deepen feelings of depression or disconnection. Talking to a friend, joining a support group, or working with a grief therapist can be a powerful way to process and share your experience.

Even if it’s hard to put your feelings into words, being around another person can still create comfort. You don’t have to say much. Sometimes just being in the company of someone who cares provides relief.

3. Don’t Numb Your Pain

It’s tempting to distract yourself with busyness, substances, or even overproductivity. Temporary relief can help in the short term, but avoiding your feelings entirely just delays the healing process. Grief doesn’t only live in your emotions either; it often shows up in the body too. 

If you’ve been feeling unusually exhausted, tense, or unwell, our blog on the physical symptoms of grief breaks down what that can look like. Many clients come into grief counseling weeks or months after their loss, surprised at how much emotion resurfaces once the “busy phase” wears off. 

Coping strategies like mindfulness, journaling, or speaking with a therapist can help you feel your emotions safely, without becoming overwhelmed by them.

4. Don’t Compare Your Grief to Anyone Else’s

Grief is deeply personal. What feels like a crushing loss to one person might not affect someone else the same way, and that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Whether you’ve lost a parent, a pet, a relationship, or a part of your identity, your grief is valid.

If you’ve ever thought, “I shouldn’t feel this bad,” or “Other people have it worse,” pause and offer yourself some compassion. Pain doesn’t become less real just because someone else is also hurting.

5. Don’t Expect a Linear Process

Healing isn’t linear, even once you understand the stages of grief. Some days will feel calm, while others might bring pangs of sadness out of nowhere. This can feel frustrating, especially when you thought you were “doing better.” One of the most comforting things clients learn in therapy is that these ups and downs are completely normal. Working through grief means remembering that progress doesn’t mean perfection. It means continuing to show up for yourself.

Things to Do in Simi Valley That Support the Grieving Process

Sometimes the best way to support your emotional healing is by gently engaging with the environment around you. Here are a few local spots in Simi Valley that I love that can support your grief journey:

Corriganville Park

This park has gorgeous, scenic trails and shady trees, making it the perfect spot for reflection, walking meditation, or just catching your breath. Nature is grounding, and movement can help release built-up tension in your body.

Simi Valley Public Library

The library’s quiet, calm atmosphere offers a safe space to read about grief, write your thoughts, or simply sit in stillness. It’s also a place to feel connected to your community without the pressure to socialize. If you want to be around other people but aren’t ready to talk, the library can be a gentle first step.

Your Favorite Local Coffee Shop

Grab a warm drink and bring a journal to one of the many coffee shops in Simi Valley. Try grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 method while you sip your drink and tune into your senses.

When to Consider Grief Counseling

If grief is affecting your sleep, relationships, work, or physical health, or if you’re simply feeling lost and unsure how to move forward, it might be time to seek help. Therapy doesn’t have to be a last resort. Starting early can often prevent deeper struggles down the road. A grief counselor in Simi Valley can help you process unresolved emotions, honor your grief, and begin to gently envision what life looks like moving forward.

“Grief doesn’t ask for a solution, it asks to be witnessed. It asks for the space to honor your pain and slowly find your way back to you.” — Dr. Donna Novak, Founder of Simi Psychological Group

You Don’t Have to Grieve on Your Own

Grief is one of the hardest emotions to carry, but you don’t have to (and shouldn’t) experience it in isolation. At Simi Psychological Group, our team provides grief counseling that honors your experience and gives you the tools to heal at your own pace. If you’re looking for more guidance on where to start, our blog on 9 steps to support yourself through the grieving process is a great next read.

Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or a major life shift, our therapists support you with compassion and understanding. We work with you to build a plan that fits your own healing journey. Contact us today or call (805) 842-1994 for a free consultation, and let’s walk through this together.